I told myself I’d wait longer to write another post since I’m doing this too frequently I feel. My preference would be every other week or something like that. But I’ve been musing on something for a while now, and have still not reached a definite conclusion. However, I did have a small realization which resulted in me being gripped by laughter for a solid five minutes.
Got my AAA card in, and it said “Ms.” before my name. Because Natalie is a woman’s name, and everyone will assume that I am a woman. I’m trying to re-affirm myself as male, at least in some form or fashion (well, fashion-wise I’ve just been getting weirder). Presumably this means I need to change my name to something less associated with women, like Nat. Which is what most people call me anyway, and is how I introduce myself now (often to the confusion of other people).
Yet, I like my name. It has personal meaning to me, both on its own as well as in the context of the full name. My previous name was all sharp edges, phonetically speaking, and I prefer the softer flow which most often comes with names that are coded female. The other possibility that occurred to me was to make a point of having a “Mr.” before my name, in those contexts in which a gendered title prior to one’s name is required.
That’s when I started laughing.
Life just seems really absurd to me. Maybe my own thoughts and behavior contribute to that absurdity, but still…the feeling is there. I react to this absurdity with humor and irony. Putting a “Mr.” before my name would just be too good of a joke to pass up, even though my desire to keep my chosen name is entirely serious, and has meaning to me.
Natalie might be a “woman’s name,” but I know of at least one man called that! Why should I be reverent to gender norms? I don’t want to modify myself to fit other people’s expectations. If that makes me selfish, so be it.
Trying to be normal just feels wrong.